Monthly Archives: May 2014

me…..right now

My boss (a psychologist) called me into his office today for a chat.  As I tend to do, I was silently freaking out as I had no idea what this was about. 

We sat down and he came out with it: “I think you’re depressed”.

I almost cried.

My reaction to his statement was really mixed.  On one hand I was relieved that someone saw it.  But on the other hand I was upset that someone saw it.

I know that doesn’t make sense, but I don’t make much sense to myself at the moment.

 

an update…of sorts

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My last post ended with me saying that I was “choosing hope daily”.  Well, for the last few weeks, I have managed to consistently NOT chose hope.  I ended up in a melancholy funk that honestly, took me by surprise and I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it.

I’ve never been one to easily ask for help.  Growing up, I was taught that people only let you down, so it’s just easier to do things on your own.  I have spent many years trying to un-learn this lesson.  Yes, people will let you down.  But, if your friends are worth anything at all, they will also help you when you ask. So, I asked for help.

By way of a few text messages, I ended up catching up with one of my best friends.  It had been a while (by our standards) between catch-ups, so we were well overdue.  When we finally sat down, she looked at me and said “spill”.  Once I was done, it was her turn.  I now know the mark of an exceptional friend: when you share your hearts with each other and the general consensus is “well, that’s really crap” (and you don’t try to fix each other).

At the same time that I was spiraling into my “melancholy funk”, my Pastor had been teaching a series on relational spaces within our lives, and how important it is to choose carefully who we let into our lives – and what spaces within our lives we allow people to occupy. These three things (my “melancholy funk”, the teachings at Church and issues discussed with my friend) caused me to take a step back and re-evaluate some things in my life – especially my relational spaces and who occupies them.  It hasn’t been fun.

And on top of that, I’ve been sick with whatever this flu thing is for the past week.  (I just want to be able to breathe!).

So, my last few weeks have been frustrating. I’ve failed at choosing to live with hope – but that changes today.  I need to continually remind myself that my hope is not in my friends and the people around me.  My hope is not in my health or in my circumstances (thank the LORD). My hope needs to be found in God.